To Lose My Life

I am sat here, looking across the living room towards the Christmas tree in my parents house, it is a rare treat to be at home and to feel somewhat detached from all that has occurred over these past few months. It has now been 12 days since the end of term and I must admit I have neglected any of the tasks I set myself and the assignment work is still looming large over my head. Why have I been so detached from working? I think it has something to do with recharging the batteries of my experience and reconnecting with the world outside of theatre making.

It has been all too easy to throw myself into my art making and neglect the experience of friends and family, the world at large and all that I encounter. So I am now, after many days of working at Harrods and feeling somewhat negligent of my work considering how best to approach it.

This then encourages me to think on the visual essay, which I am doing today, casually, by putting thoughts down onto paper and looking through images connected to my theme. There is an artistry to this work I hope as it is exciting to think of my project as an installation. It is also good time to reflect on practice as I have heard that my Market Estate proposal was not accepted, leaving next year's research task up in the air a little, however, with such a strong group I am sure that it is possible to work hard at the next plan of attack...

Interestingly I have been making lots of apologies of late to friends for my lack of attendance at gatherings and the like, I have been too busy and stressed (I constantly hear myself say) and that is not a good sign - I am setting myself the task of keeping better contact with friends over the coming months and managing my time a little more effectively outside of school and theatre...

I am taking the time to reflect and to recoup. I have also been determined to see more theatre of all sorts and recently went with my parents to see The Misanthrope at the Comedy Theatre. I feel as if I should write a few words on here to reflect as I certainly came away with a lot to say - there are also two arts council reports to read and a funding information sheet - plenty to be getting on with. I must also get to the cinema and see the many films that I have been meaning to see for several weeks now - seeing films is something I have failed at finding time for and must make sure that this does not happen in the new year.

Scratch That, Reflections on Taking New Work to Brixton

Last night saw the first attempt by a bunch of theatre makers to take their work away from the Central School of Speech and Drama in an attempt perhaps to expose ideas to a new place, a new situation or condition. It was, a success in many ways and although lacking the sort of audience, the crowd necessary to breathe life into the work - I for one was proud and terrified, as well as all too aware of what such a night can come to mean.

This comes back to a lot of reflection of late about the artistry to my practice, what it means I suppose to be a director, a performance maker, a practitioner of the dramatic art. I was there as writer and director, even as the night rolled on, as performer...(more on this later). I had worked with two performers who in my opinion are sensationally successful and generous in their approach and engagement. We were there to test and play with our piece, 'The Bed' as well as to support the work of new makers, Ophelia, Jon and Liz - as well as Karol's film and Jamie's spontaneous piece and the charm of Transylvanian folk music. Something happened which inspired me - something that I noticed as new, I was here making work - bringing my work to an audience - allowing my art to be considered away from the relative safety of the institution. It felt massive - I felt a fear I haven't felt, I felt serious about my display as a performance maker and yet was also there to socialise with my peers, to have a drink and a cigarette and be involved in the venue and the activity of conversation.

'The Bed' itself will now evolve massively as a direct result of last night and we three will rework it for a performance in January/February - this excites me. I do just wish that more people take note of the benefit this night, Steve's endeavours and energy can have - if only there were 30 people in that room the room would have felt different. I do hope that there is a way to support this night in the future - to get a profile that is not based on succeeding commercially but about succeeding amongst ourselves and in supporting each other.

I have a lot to consider over this month, a lot to decide upon and to conclude - what happened last night is in many ways the catalyst to this thought.

There is also, the small recollection of being on stage and performing, yes performing the words of Jamie who was provoked to write a monologue for me - "about" pre-menstrual (contributed by Geraldine). So to round off the night, sort of. I had to sit before a microphone and address my audience, sight reading a text that was handwritten. (I attach it here). It was great actually, to be that involved, to be stating my involvement by going with the energy, the provocation. I urge more of this work, no matter how broad or even how "good or bad" it is - the sheer force of making new work, drawing new connections and staking a claim on this cultural landscape of production in London is massively important

Reflective Assessment

Beginning to wrestle with this assessment and how to approach it. I am still pretty set on attempting a visual essay but need to really understand my approach to ensure that I am getting the most out of this method....

Here is the brief and my scribblings thus far...

Writing/Wrighting Documentation

Notebook entries from Accidental Festival: (Talkers: Liz Lecompte///Simon McBurney///Katie Mitchell)

From Top Left to Bottom Right: Scan from AnotherMan (Magazine)///Scan from Complicite 21 Year Anniversary Booklet///Note from Jon at Assessment///The Joke by Milan Kundera (which I am currently reading)

A whole lot of performance...

Today has been a great way of spending time, filled with so much performance in the morning which was in very different ways inspirational and useful. Lets address this first....I was part of an audience for the Embodied Cluster sharings of short works in response to their work this term. Although not all the performers did show it was brilliant to be able to finally make connections between their practice and its translation, its place within performance. Three in particular stood out to me - Liz West's, Sian's and Elizabeth's. To pick these is not an attempt at stating my favourites or to discredit the remainding performers, rather it is an attempt to clarify personally what it is I am fascinated by in performance...

Firstly, Liz West presented one of the most engaging characters I have seen, engaging because I wanted to know so much more and also because I was transported - I was constructing a drafty village hall, a working mens club perhaps about her performance. There was something comic, something Victoria Wood(esque) about it - brilliantly scripted and wonderfully timed, Liz delivered what was a moving, provocative and sensitive portrayal of a woman obsessed with food. The festive headgear, the dowdy cardigan - the fierce gaze and a sense of not wanting to be here on this stage, beneath this pink glitter ball, before this curtain of gold tassles was mesmerizing. I wanted simply to hear her story, to place her in a performance to find out more, the questions were engaging. It is no doubt that Liz took exercises, deriving from clown work, from voice work on the cluster and translated them - there was an honesty here, a clarity, something rooted in the everyday and the mundane but still jarring - the words were poetic but no pretense at all.

Secondly, the second Elizabeth, a performer who I have not had the benefit of seeing work in a performance context as much as I would like gave us a puppet theatre experience that left me, again wanting more. I remarked this evening, on the steps outside in a bitterly cold air that I feel frustrated to not have attended more puppet theatre. In this case, I feel transformed, I feel as if I have been welcomed in to a mode of performance that seemed so distant to my own practice. I was physically moved by this object, this human form attached to Elizabeth, I was feeling something - I was shocked and upset to see such anguish, drawn in to the eyes of the puppet, wanting to know more of him, what is his story?! I would not know where to begin on a puppet show myself and hope that those talented individuals on the MA will expose more of their practice to me, selfishly I want to explore this potential - how could a human form and human object relate so perfectly, to believe something human"like" is an experience I am glad to have had.

Thirdly, Sian. What an intelligent response and captivating performance. I am always somewhat seduced by Sian's voice - something pulled me in straight away, prepared me for an insight into a mind, that of the epileptic. This is a condition I know little of, I now need to know more. What a splendid use of voice, of physicality and of text. A monologue that transformed me, made me feel bad in my ignorance to this condition. Sian embodied a character beautifully, somehow presented, what, a stream of consciousness, atleast an internal voice and yet I did not feel distanced. This is well formed already but if anything gives me a lot of ideas for a narrative, there is more work here, there is a work to be made (not a work that I have any claim over but one that inspires me nonetheless)...

These are three observations on three very different performances and I have many more notes in mind but am so fascinated by such rich potential here. It inspires me no end as a director/artist to see such work - I did approach the showings with some trepidation, Ayse had laid down specific rules on how to give feedback and I was unsure as to what role to play other than audience. I decided to remain silent throughout, to not contribute to prompts on initial thoughts and am glad of this because I have spent the day thinking through my observations, my attitudes towards these works and now have a greater sense of my appreciation. I do so hope that the performers found it useful to expose their work to us and thank them for such an opportunity.

It does frustrate me though that there is not more of this, more showing, more observation, more making of work. I think even if we are working quickly and making work that is rough, work in progress and work that may have little life beyond its first outing, we should be attempting to generate more performance. I offer my creativity to this purpose, hope to make more work myself and to be useful to those performers who are presenting or those who seek some form of eye to their work - to collaborate.

Talking Theatre

Today saw the final sharings from each of the three clusters and ensured that we packed a lot of catching up into our three hour slot. On the whole, massively useful and for once I felt as if I was included in the Embodied Cluster and picked up further insight into the many tools and resources available when working in the rehearsal room. The bodies of each of the performers are inspiring and each personality has today demonstrated to me the vital need for an intellectual AND physical response to performance. In particular I was glad to watch and participate and felt as if my peers were trying to engage with me - hoping to ignite some of the same obvious passion they shared for their topic.

We then delivered I think our most successful presentation and although it was a cheap trick to hand out treats in an effort to engage with our audience it was finally possible to bring them closer into our work. Some tensions exist I believe between the clusters and the chinese whisper rumour mill has not helped. I have produced a text, words on the page but relinquish the right to that as any sort of authority, it needs bodies and minds to have a life beyond the A4 sheets I have printed it onto. The cluster work was demonstrated collectively and we moved our audience of peers through the exerts of work and exercises which have been occupying our time. There is also something formally interesting about our approach which takes inspiration from those practitioners we have been lucky to interact with (Tim Crouch, Mike Bartlett et.al). I do hope that any sense of directorial authority (or indeed the writer's authority over text) as a threat to the collective creative process is short lived and that I can engage as an equal maker of performance with my peers over the coming months and numerous projects.

Thirdly, I am frustrated for not providing the scenographers with that which they asked for - rigorous feedback on their fantastic work. I tried to engage them in conversation about how they feel they have developed processes of working which could be carried forward next year (a question which Nick seemed to resent and perhaps this is a problem of articulation?!) I meant to state that the products of the cluster were fully formed in my mind - the journey clear and the installations fantastically well realised. However, I wanted to learn more of the relationship between art installation and theatrical design in a collective creative direction. For example how could processes learnt be applied to briefs on a potential project, how would the scenographers imagine approaching a one on one relationship with a director - (should they so wish). I stated this as I really hope to collaborate in the Katie Mitchell vein over a long period of time with a designer and a shared aesthetic - I wanted to learn more of each individual perhaps - and shall endeavour to do this through conversations and collaborations in the coming months....

Which brings me onto...

Yet another Talking Theatre conversation - this time in the same way as they all seem to revolve around creative partnerships I try to get closer to what type of director has a home here in this context of the ATP. I am little closer but heartened because I seem to work in a way that is close to the way a director in a devising process works...Rachel and I discussed the relative differences (or lack of) between text based processes and devising processes, the role of the director and the merit of both ways of working along with the possibility that it is personalities that are the problem and not the 'role' of the director. The conversation was useful, another perspective to add to the multitude. Essentially I am absolutely happy with expanding my working processes here on the course, working with all and discovering where the good work is to be found - that surely is the opportunity here, to forge and build, then maintain creative partnerships?!

I do somewhat wish there were a way to shorthand these discussions though as I think they potentially get in the way of good humour and quick working. I do so hope that the 24 Hour project allows us to work together for the good of the group and to make some exciting work for an audience.

Here also are some articles to rift off, in keeping with some discussions these past few weeks:

Immersive Theatre - Tired & Hackneyed Already?

and

How Intimate Theatre Won Our Hearts

This Golden Age

There has been much debate on the Guardian blog over the weekend about the 'Golden Age' of British Theatre - a sign that all British theatre is beating the recession, attracting audiences and generating, good new work. I do however find myself falling ever deeper into this concept of the golden age and what use it brings to discussion of the success of contemporary performance today.

Lyn Gardner wisely moves through a response that states, the British theatre is like an iceberg with much greater, exciting(?!) stuff happening at the base, all supporting the pinnacle - (lets say the NT, RSC, Donmar.....). Gardner makes special note of the regions and combats Rupert Goold's comment on the moribund regions, referencing Contact in Manchester and many others as proof of the lifeblood of our British non-London theatres. However, how does this impact upon me as I take the daily commute to Central, an institution committed to generating the performance of the future but an institution all the same, with its sense of security and safe perimeter?!

I think the notion of a Golden Age is essentially useless as a concept, it has little bearing outside of critical circles (and perhaps political, cultural currency). However, reading such an article, I spot BAC, Fuel, Arts Admin....all companies and individuals that have inspired me this past term, all people I would like to work with. What is reassuring is the wealth of opportunities (Forest Fringe par example) for performance makers to showcase their work. I am already thinking of 2010 - the projects (many already) that I wish to start and the final work on the MA which I want to have an impact beyond the battlements of CSSD.

Reading this article then and the passionate replies and comments that follow is reassuring, as a theatre maker I want to hear that the British theatre is still alive. However, the notes to funding (and imminent lack of) is something to combat. I need to start actioning plans to make productions for little money and still have an impact, I need to find opportunities to situate my work without having to stop eating, sleeping, paying rent....this is perhaps the real challenge?! How do we as young theatre makers broaden our horizons, lay foundations for a career without toppling those commitments which like all, we must keep?

There is no easy answer - of course!

However, as I start the final week of this, the first term, I am pondering several projects, laying the groundwork for next term and trying to situate myself in a landscape here in Britain, specifically in London.

The Headscarf Martyr - Muder in a German Court, Workshop Documentation

Our Cultural Landscape

This morning and we were all assembled as audience, respectfully on time and ready to begin our presentations in groups. Working with Lauren, Liz and Prae has been a great opportunity to remind myself of the importance of formalised research even when the subject of such research is of much greater interest professionally and creatively. We have been investigating the work of Nabokov and in particular their Nabokov Arts Club.

Each of the presentations was engaging, broad and fascinatingly diverse in comparison to that which preceeded and that which followed. Some more than others chimed with my wider concerns as a maker of performance but the breadth of study was a joy. Elyssa made some comment at the end of the session along the lines of focussing our energies to form clearer presentations and made several, I understand now, useful comments on our own project which to me suggests the mileage we have here with our next brief in the new year.

It became apparent to focus ones attention clearly but to remember always, what is the inspiration for me - where are my interests, to always ask: what am I not considering?!

I am now going to re-read Theatre and The City, re appraise, The Gift and continue thinking about the landscape here for me. Not just to situate my work but to conider the actual work itself, where it has its place, yes but also how I am approaching it.

Assessment

Yesterday we all gathered and spent 2 hours moving through our numerous and varied pieces of work for assessment. What an energy and what a great success. Not only did we all have the chance to showcase those pages that have been (for me at least) a large part of my life for the past few weeks but we received the chance to listen to new work, new writing, new words. The work was varied and courageous, Jon's especially felt as close to taking a risk (for him but also crucially implicating us, his audience) and Steve's work is ambitious but had a beauty and command (I must read the text to really get a sense of the work as a whole).

Then we all got into bed with Jamie and constructed a character for him to respond to (albeit by following clear and precise projected instructions). I then read, several pieces, which was a joy and an honour - Sara's monologue especially charging me with a desire to perform it. Then there was the work of Ophelia, who has a great ability to stage the most subtle moments and still evoke absolute truth. There is something, (as I said to her) of 'The City' by Martin Crimp to her work and this is no bad thing at all. I must read the whole play...

Then there was my own writing, a labour of love, yes. Something I hated and then fell for all over again. Duncan has been especially strict with his rigorous feedback and has prompted me to seek perfection in my writing. Something happened yesterday, I felt myself leaving the text as writer and approaching it as director...I assembled my audience in a circle, (on chairs) and spoke with Steve, (reading "O"): "Think of this as a focus group". Then, scene:

Something happened, I felt the urge to defend myself not to Steve, but to the audience to my left and to my right, I needed to address them and convince them - if they were on my side then my violence could be excused. This felt immediately like Tim Crouch, I was channeling that energy somewhat, excited by it all the while. I want to attempt a play - from this narrative within a focus group where I talk with the audience and then the character before me - as myself but scripted. I don't know - Jamie mentions a lot how much we are stealing or borrowing from those who we encounter - am I relying too heavily on Crouch's form or can I find a new way to apply his ideas to this work?! I want to reflect upon this and I want to find a way to make this piece work - to stage it, to perform it...with Steve hopefully if he is game.

Rigour Prevails

The end of our time with Tom Espiner and the conclusion today of a workshop process that has yielded so much for me and my fellow theatrical collaborators. We spent our session this afternoon in a somewhat dreary rehearsal space, lit awfully and interrupted by a monsoon....BUT what ideas, what debate and what rigorous feedback flowed.

Claudio, then Nick made comment on the joy of such feedback and I am glad that I spoke with Tom at the end of last week to ensure that this sort of session happened. It was fascinating and exciting to hear groups respond to their audience and for me selfishly, to see the process (throughout the week) of ideas making, realising and defending. All of the groups were given their feedback fairly and equally and this was refreshing. We are all here to expose ourselves really, to expose our work to the scrutiny of others and I think today proved that we can all learn so much by engaging our audiences in open discussion.

Just looking through my notebook I really have been able to draw connections between ways of working and the sort of work that materialises. It has been fruitful to take a week where the pressure is not on working as a maker but being an active audience member, being honest and supportive to the exciting work that happens. Yes, there were pieces not to my taste and some that were, for me as an audience member exciting and provocative. However, being able to work as an observer and learn through Tom's sessions and generous support of the group as a whole that there are exciting ways to work with sound and darkness will stay with me.